The tree

It’s not fall but the leaves are falling
off the tree in the middle of the field
it’s sunny but cold
it’s the end of June
I’m here
she’s not
she’s looking down upon me
asking me why I never listened
and if I gave up on my promise
I can’t answer her
her spirit is free
I lost mine to the devil

Completing drafts

I don’t
give a fuck

 

If I write a poem for my boyfriend
it’d be a simple “I love you” note
on a plate of brownies
’cause I know my man
he don’t want no poem
and won’t read it

 

Why my writing
sucks?
I spit it out

 

The love of my life
is Starbucks
coffee frappuccino
with coconut milk

 

Drive by agent
drives by my house
to see if I’m there
passes by me
on my way to town
makes it look like
he’s doing his job
not stalking me
but he is
he wouldn’t say a word
to me, hasn’t in years
he watches and follows me
when I drive

 

What I learned from 90s shows
It’s okay to kiss other people if you’re in a relationship, you’re going to marry your boyfriend/girlfriend anyway. -Boy meets world. Television sucks, it gives you dreams and situations that will never happen.

 

Signs your girlfriend hates you
she ignores you
your nickname is asshole, douchebag, jackass, moron, dumbass, etc
she texts other guys
she is sleeping with other guys or thinking about it
you get pity and drunk sex
she’s bored

Agent of Douche

I drove by his house today, in the first time I can’t tell you how long. He had a garbage bin in the middle of the road. I thought about running it over but then if something happened, I would have to talk to him. I haven’t talked, seen, nor heard from him in years; for years. I haven’t fully told anyone what happened between us because that’d make me look like a number of things I wasn’t. I’d rather have them think the relationship ended when I was some drunk airhead in my early twenties. I blabbed about Kesha, turned over to look at him and spilled his beer. He broke up with me the next day because I didn’t clean it up.

I never told anyone about the times we hooked up after. At that point I was living on my own and in college and things went south in my relationship. I met him one day when I was walking to the lake — he was driving in his border patrol car to it because that’s his fucking job. He was surprised and asked to see me later. Of course I did. How could I not? I had a lot of fun with this man before our true colors came out. We went out drinking, bonfires, kayaking, motorcycle rides, shooting guns, etc. And so we hung out in his new hot tub, naked; and went upstairs to have sex. It was passionate but not passionate enough to convince me he was the one. It reminded me of that night in December, I slept with him and told him I loved someone else and felt guilty after. Yet, I still did it a couple more times until he put the idea in my head we were nothing but fuck buddies. That’s not what I wanted nor intended but I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. The last time we spoke was text, he probably said something cocky and I went off on a tangent. We both walked away…

 

(Yeah, I ran into one too many exs one way or another today.)

Smalle is back

He looks at me
like I haven’t
seen you in forever
you look good
I want to bang you
you want to bang me?

I just keep walking
why don’t you want me?
is it because I blocked and unblocked you?
you were cheating on me
you thought I was doing something
is it because I sucked in bed?
you liked it

Yeah, I wanted you
but it never would have gotten anywhere
I didn’t love you like I loved him

You could have

Some things aren’t meant to be
I know but why do I still want you?
tell me, do you still want me too?

Sexually, we’ve always had a strong attraction
but I cannot
why not?
it’s playing with fire

When you refuse birth control

Doctor
What form of birth control are you using?

 

You
None.

 

Doctor
You don’t use condoms, the pill, or patch?

 

You
(hesitates)
Condoms.

 

Doctor
You got a girlfriend, boyfriend?

 

You
(laugh)
No girlfriend, boyfriend.

 

Doctor
You never know these days.

 

You wonder why the hell the doctor assumed you were gay because you denied birth control. I mean, maybe you don’t have sex, physically can’t get pregnant, or prefer the withdrawal method? Whatever. It wouldn’t be the doctor’s business either way. You didn’t go to the doctors to discuss/get on birth control. But because it was a checkup and you’re a woman, you get asked about it. If you were a man, you wouldn’t.

Missed connection

I never met someone as big as a douchebag as you. You live in a yellow cardboard box shaped house in the middle of nowhere. You go to the bar alone or with co-workers to join the rest of the townies in your area. When we first met you lied about your age. I thought you were four years older than me but you were actually eight. I figured that out when I saw your drivers license on your dresser. You said you lied your age when you were younger to get land and other benefits. You got older and lied so you can get dates with younger women because you had no intention to settle down. Of course, you lied and say you did. You broke up with me a couple of times because you wanted a ‘housewife’ and it wasn’t me. The entire time you were fucking other people and on other dating websites. You used that as excuse to go about your business. I returned the favor and joined other websites. I downgraded you as a fuck buddy as well. I found someone else and forgot about you. Or so, I thought. I miss the fun we had together, no one else was a big douchebag as you. You broke up with me the last time because I spilled your beer and didn’t clean it up. If you’re in the area and happen to see me walking on the street, don’t pull over and ask me what’s up or if I want to see you later like you have once. I mean, I said I loved someone else. Why would it be any different?

When I was

1
My mother dressed me in pink because it made me happy.

2
I drank my father’s beer thinking it was Pepsi.

3
I pushed a boy off his bike because my oldest sister told me too.

4
A boy kissed me and I thought I was pregnant.

5
I fell asleep on the bus and missed my stop — on my birthday.

6
I told someone in class, “I make my barbies have sex” and she ratted on me — I still thought sex was kissing.

7
My best friend’s last name was Lemonhart.

8
I learned how to swim.

9
“Hey Arnold” came out, I liked Helga because she reminded me of me.

10
I danced “Opps I did it again” in a talent show.

11
I vandalized a park with toilet paper, broke a fountain, and had an angry mob chase after me and my friend.

12
Dealt with being the new kid in school and questioned why I pretended to like someone I didn’t like.

13
I had the first boy to cheat on me and the first boy I’d have to dump.

14
I ran track, I hate it, and everyone hated me; I was slow and they mocked me for being fat and ugly.

15
I thought I liked some asshole from middle school.

16
Became anorexic.

17
First real kiss but with someone I met online from Argentina.

18
Got drunk, danced around a fire, and attempted to go skinny dipping with my clothes on.

19
I had a purity ring, which I lost.

20
I had sex with a virgin in a hotel.

21
I slept with two guys named Chris.

22
The first date with my boyfriend, he told me loved me and I called him crazy.

23
I smashed my laptop writing an Archaeology paper and decided to major in Creative Writing instead of Anthropology.

24
Developed my ice coffee addiction, 3 a day and back seat of car full of cups.

25
My mother was diagnosed with cancer.

26
I got another pregnancy scare…

Nude pictures

I used to send
nude pictures to a boy
in high school
who lived in another country
he never shared them
because he ‘loved me’ though
we only met once

 

I sent
nude pictures
to Playboy
they said I was beautiful and rejected me
I sent the same ones
to a popular nude model agency
they wanted me to masturbate live
on camera and my nickname was

Lillie Summer

I did nothing but zoom the camera in my face

 

I sent nude photos
to a fling or ex that left or cheated on me
one ex saved them all and took photos
and videos of me in bed
without my knowledge or consent
his friends or random people on the internet
could have seen it
but I don’t care
they don’t know if it’s me
they don’t know the story

I sent nude photos
to my boyfriend
years ago
he did nothing
but keep it to himself

 

 

“Think about it, why are you going back that way?”

I have too many issues and I can’t commit my life away to someone.

 

No one was asking you too. You’re at the point you settle down.

 

Like what? Get married and have kids?

 

Yes. Isn’t that what you want?

 

No. The idea of marriage and kids repulse me.

 

Why? Love is a beautiful thing.

 

It’s disgusting, confusing, and scary.

 

It can create wonderful things.

 

So can Mother Nature.

 

You love him?

 

Yes but I can’t commit to him.

 

You can if you want too, you choose not too.

 

It’s not that simple. You need to be physically, emotionally, and mentally in place for that to happen. I lack the assets, am bored and indifferent, and know that’s because I am who I am and can’t change.

 

You could if you wanted too.

No. I don’t think you understand. You don’t know me, he doesn’t know me. When I get bored and feel nothing, I tend to wander off. When I wander off I explore and find something I like. I take it, know the consequences of it and don’t care — life is too short. I would hate to miss out on something because one douchebag held me back from living my life.

 

What if you loved the douchebag and he did it for your own good?

He doesn’t have the capacity to think about what’s good for me, only what’s good for him. I have the capacity but don’t use it on him.

 

You’re intentionally bad?

I just know what I want, want what I want, and don’t care.

 

Are you a cheat?

Once a cheat, always a cheat. Be my friend by all means, nothing more. We can hookup but we can’t date. It doesn’t matter how good you are in bed, how hot you are, what you do, if you’re funny, etc. It matters how fast you run.

 

When did this start?

A few Decembers ago, I “travelled” to a cardboard box shaped house I have known.

 

You loved him?

No, we had a lot of fun though. He cheated on me. I found him on numerous dating websites.