The truth is, I can’t tell you.
I don’t like what I do.
I’m not happy with what I do.
If anything I’m disgusted with what I do.
All it is a paycheck to me.
I know I can’t make plans or have a future without it.
I ask myself if it’s worth it and I don’t know why, it’s not.
I was happier when I was broke, having very little to get by.
I had less stress and conflict in my life.
I could actually see my boyfriend, eat, and sleep like a normal person.
I get a few hours now.
In the morning, I don’t induce vomiting yet still throw up my coffee.
I don’t think it’s the coffee.
I know nothing I do is worth it yet I do it anyway.
It’s no longer clear to me what or who I am fighting for.
Besides to get the hell away from this place.
I love you
I’ve said it many times
I was there when you needed me
though sometimes you pushed me away
I didn’t try to change you
though sometimes I felt you wanted me to change
I haven’t seen this is my life
you in pain and crying in a hospital bed but
I’ve seen and knew worse things in my life
that had nothing to do with you
I won’t talk about these things
and you probably know what I’m talking about anyway
and you’re like, well you’ve said and did worse things
to me too
but none of this is your fault
It isn’t but I’ve seen symbols around me
I knew something was going to happen
but I didn’t know what
for someone that has all the answers and knows my stuff
I know nothing at all
I had flashbacks of some events
and bad days
of the nightmare that moment
and again, I questioned everything
feeling like none of this is enough
or even right for me
I could run or rash out like I normally do
because of these thoughts and feelings
but what good would that do
I know there’s other people out there
and I know there’s a lot of opportunities
I don’t have here
nor change because I stayed here with you
I could change that and I probably should
I can’t see where this is headed
and if anywhere, I don’t know if I want to be
the mother or if I’m even ready for it
all my life I wanted nothing but to be free
from this world
how can I do that if I tie myself to someone?
what would be the point?
so you can leave like my father?
or I get some non-genetic cancer like my mother?
and for what?
to continue this viscous cycle that never ends
It could end
but I prefer not to be blind sided
Because she likes you and is probably thinking…
“You’re going to cheat on me.”
“How many people did you sleep with?”
“What number would I be?”
“You only want me for sex.”
“You don’t care.”
“I don’t want anything serious.”
“You don’t anything serious.”
“I think I feel something, I shouldn’t feel anything.”
“You probably don’t feel anything either.”
“I think I love you, I’m not sure. What is love?”
“You don’t love me, it’s impossible for anyone to love me.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“You’re trying to force me to know what I want.”
“If I marry you, what if you cheat on me and try to take my money?”
“What if we have no money?”
“What if you want to have kids?”
“What if I cheat on you and take everything?”
“What if someone dies?”
“Is all of this a waste of time?”