Nude pictures

I used to send
nude pictures to a boy
in high school
who lived in another country
he never shared them
because he ‘loved me’ though
we only met once

 

I sent
nude pictures
to Playboy
they said I was beautiful and rejected me
I sent the same ones
to a popular nude model agency
they wanted me to masturbate live
on camera and my nickname was

Lillie Summer

I did nothing but zoom the camera in my face

 

I sent nude photos
to a fling or ex that left or cheated on me
one ex saved them all and took photos
and videos of me in bed
without my knowledge or consent
his friends or random people on the internet
could have seen it
but I don’t care
they don’t know if it’s me
they don’t know the story

I sent nude photos
to my boyfriend
years ago
he did nothing
but keep it to himself

 

 

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“Think about it, why are you going back that way?”

I have too many issues and I can’t commit my life away to someone.

 

No one was asking you too. You’re at the point you settle down.

 

Like what? Get married and have kids?

 

Yes. Isn’t that what you want?

 

No. The idea of marriage and kids repulse me.

 

Why? Love is a beautiful thing.

 

It’s disgusting, confusing, and scary.

 

It can create wonderful things.

 

So can Mother Nature.

 

You love him?

 

Yes but I can’t commit to him.

 

You can if you want too, you choose not too.

 

It’s not that simple. You need to be physically, emotionally, and mentally in place for that to happen. I lack the assets, am bored and indifferent, and know that’s because I am who I am and can’t change.

 

You could if you wanted too.

No. I don’t think you understand. You don’t know me, he doesn’t know me. When I get bored and feel nothing, I tend to wander off. When I wander off I explore and find something I like. I take it, know the consequences of it and don’t care — life is too short. I would hate to miss out on something because one douchebag held me back from living my life.

 

What if you loved the douchebag and he did it for your own good?

He doesn’t have the capacity to think about what’s good for me, only what’s good for him. I have the capacity but don’t use it on him.

 

You’re intentionally bad?

I just know what I want, want what I want, and don’t care.

 

Are you a cheat?

Once a cheat, always a cheat. Be my friend by all means, nothing more. We can hookup but we can’t date. It doesn’t matter how good you are in bed, how hot you are, what you do, if you’re funny, etc. It matters how fast you run.

 

When did this start?

A few Decembers ago, I “travelled” to a cardboard box shaped house I have known.

 

You loved him?

No, we had a lot of fun though. He cheated on me. I found him on numerous dating websites.

12 Deeds of Xmas

  1. Almost arrested for underage drinking in a club in Texas.
  2. Danced with 14 men in one night, some old enough to be my father.
  3. Went to a Christmas formal, got drunk, and had sex with a guy I met once and took me out on my 21st birthday.
  4. Got drunk off jello shots and madeout with a stranger at party when I was ‘in a relationship.’
  5. Plotted revenge on a cheating ex by joining a dating website and actually finding someone on there.
  6. Hooked up with my ex around his birthday while I was technically single but still in a relationship with my boyfriend.
  7. Got drunk and knocked over shelves in a video store.
  8. Talked to a monkey statue and took a picture of the plant on the toilet behind me in a public restroom.
  9. Blew off a guy I had a threesome with.
  10. Lead some jackass on for no reason.
  11. Gave my number to a bunch of strangers.
  12. Hooked up with someone the day after our relationship was ‘over’ but it wasn’t.

My dear

You’re funny
you’re cute
you’ve a job
that’s cool

I can’t be with you
I’m older and more arrogant
than you

I don’t know how much experience
you have but I think I have more
I have a list of things I’ve done
and know what I’m capable of

I will use you like I’ve used the rest
keep you as an option in case
it doesn’t work with someone else
hook up with you once or a couple of times
kick you to the curb and get back with someone else

Nothing you say or do will
change me
break me
convince me
phase me

I don’t care about you
I don’t even care about myself
there’s only a few people I care about enough
to make some sort of an effort not to resort back to old self
some old teachers remind me
I’m only human

College ‘memories’

First attempt at community college

It was a local school kids like me went to because they believed what their guidance counselor said, “You’re too stupid to go to a four year school.”

#1 My first year, my professor made me read my paper on my anorexia to the class. The room was silent and intense.

#2 I drove a red Buick I paid $500 for.

#3 Not doing my work or studying, academic probation.

#4 Sent my professor a nasty email claiming that he talks to us like we are high schoolers (yeah he failed me but mainly because I didn’t do my work).

#5 Took Abnormal Psychology and began to see everyone around me as lunatics.

#6 Academic probation.

#7 A year or so off of school and never going back there…

 

 

Second attempt at community college

#1 My intent was to be a Physical Education major at a school 2 hours away in the city my boyfriend lived. We broke up and I changed it to Liberal Arts: Humanities and Social Science with a concentration in Humanities. I did my entire Associates degree online.

#2 There was a lot of writing and research, if not more than what I would be doing at my next school as a writing major.

#3 My intent was to move on with a four year degree in Anthropology until I smashed my laptop one day writing a 20 page research paper in Chicago style.

#4 I met my boyfriend of five years when I was in school and no, we didn’t go to the same one but had similar history of screwing up school.

#5 I don’t remember much about the course work. I was sick a lot and gained weight but burned it off. I learned I can’t take Cipro because I get all the side effects…

#6 I was on the deans list 3 times.

#7 An agent of douchebags (an ex) fueled me to go on/finish school.

 

 

Bachelors degree at a four year school

#1 I got a scholarship for doing well at the community college.

#2 I lived on campus for a year and had my own dorm room. Sometimes my boyfriend would stay over.

#3 One night, I was drunk and he took out a wine glass out of my fridge and dropped it. We went to bed and I climbed on top of him and scratched his face. He went home, mad…

#4 I drove my Malibu that had electrical issues; sometimes the headlights and turning signal worked, sometimes it did not. I got pulled over once for it and began crying and the officer let me go.

#5 My manager at my campus catering job let us stand in the back of the truck while she drove, dyed her hair red, and showed me a butterfly cookie.

#6 A hallmate drew a penis on my board.

#7 There was a certain incident with a hot tub and someone naked, I won’t talk about.

#8 In the shower, I head out with a towel. Another girl comes in and looks at me. Later she tells my boyfriend about how perfect volume my hair is and he tells her that I’m also bisexual.

#9 Dance club for a year and half.

#10 Took 3 studio dance training classes for college credit. One class required me to develop a routine with some girls… In one I had to slow dance with one.

#11 I called my mom and said I didn’t really like men and she said, “What you’re calling to tell me you’re gay?” No, no I said something along the lines of being bisexual.

#12 Starting my own dance routine for the club and canceling it.

#13 Feeling like I was constantly being watched and followed — I was.

#14 I graduated and you couldn’t pay me to go back there for anything.

Magic vs the Real world

Closet 

Leads to a magical world the protagonist(s) only know about.

 

In real life

You would think clothes, shoes, and junk back there. You’d be surprised how many people have sex, hide someone back there, and do a number of things we don’t want to know about. I wonder why we try to teach the children it leads to a magical world…

 

Invisibility

No one can physically see you so you can do whatever you want.

 

In real life

You may feel invisible but people can see you, especially if you make an ass out of yourself. You can ‘disappear’ by removing yourself from unpleasant people, things, or situations.

 

Carpet

It can fly, don’t need a car.

 

In real life

If I sat on a carpet and waited for it to fly, people would ask what is wrong with me. Out of all the things I could fly if magic was real, why a carpet? The only thing magical about is it captures water and crumbs I have to vacuum later.

 

Spells

Say something right, and you get it?

 

In real life

I wrote a bunch of poetry, why don’t I have anything I wrote about in it? Words aren’t enough. You have to make it happen.

 

 

Thoughts about the election

I’m aware I said I was going to let my URL expire, and I did. I haven’t decided yet if I’m creating a new one and so I am here to talk about the bullshit going on.

 

#1 If so many of you have an issue with Trump, why didn’t you vote?
I can’t tell you how many people I came across that said they didn’t vote, though they are registered and had nothing going on that’d prevent them from taking a few minutes out of their day to mark a sheet of paper. You can’t expect someone to win a election if you don’t vote for them. Then piss, moan, and start a riot over it like an child.

 

#2 Not happy with the result? Change it.
Go sign the petition https://www.change.org/p/electoral-college-electors-electoral-college-make-hillary-clinton-president-on-december-19. It probably won’t do anything about it given the rules set in the system for two hundred years. You could start another protest though all it would do is annoy the shit out of people. You could plan for the future so something like this doesn’t happen again.

 

#3 Take in consideration of what you’re asking people to do and if you would seriously do it in their shoes.
If you liked the person you originally voted for or pledged to, would you change the vote? Hell no. Would a bunch of protesters yelling at you, sending you messages, etc change your vote? Nope. What would you think of it? It’s ridiculous they expect me to change my view, sacrifice my job, and/or pay a fine for them because they don’t like the candidate. They wouldn’t do the same for me, why should I do it for them? I shouldn’t. I have nothing to gain from it. When are these people going to move on, grow up, and stop acting like children.

 

#4 I’m not crazy about who won either (and I did vote, for Hillary)
You don’t see me going around making a scene, posting about it on social media, or complaining to everyone I know about it. Why? Because that’s not me. He did say a lot of things I didn’t agree with either. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad man, but maybe a bad mouth. I don’t know him very well, I just know what I’ve heard. I know you shouldn’t a judge a person by their words but actions. Wait to see his actions, not words. Everyone deserves a chance. And if you disagree, do something to change it. Don’t go around like an angry child. It shows you’re the bad one, not him. Just my opinion nobody asked for but we all get sick of the nonsense.

Why I’m letting this expire

It’s time to move on.
I don’t see the point in writing randomly like I have been. Besides a small audience and some likes, I don’t gain that much of it. None of you know who I am (though you’ve read about it), I get zero profit for it and little recognition. I went in knowing all this and not expecting anything in return. Now I have to think more about how I manage my free time, spend my money, and what other goals I have in life that don’t involve survival or money. I would like to sell some of my work and write the novel I told my mother I was going to write when she was nearly dying of cancer last year (she’s no longer in remission so it’s possible the nightmare will start over). It forces me to think about everything in my life. I go on the defense and survival mode (if you don’t know what that means don’t read this nor talk to me — I think you’re an idiot and don’t care if you think I’m a bitch).

 

What will become of this?

I could pay for it to be renewed but I’m not going too. I could give it a new name but I don’t want too. I could create a new one with a specific/tighter focus but I don’t have the time for it. This is not a good time for me to manage a website. Anything you would get from me in writing would be more nonsense or things you don’t follow or relate too.

 

I’m sorry but not so sorry that this isn’t a funny or positive post. The truth is, I’m just done. It’s nothing you or anyone did. I can’t stay with this website or blog forever. I’ve outgrown it. Thank you all for watching the madness.

 

Note: The first category on this website was called, “C’est la vie” 

Sandra D

My name is not Sandra Dee
Grease came out way before I was born
I grew up disliking the movie and musicals

There was this boy that called me that
or sang one of those songs from the movie
around me
I didn’t think he was funny, I ignored him
I thought he was stupid
the only D in my name was in SanDra

My middle name starts with an L
on documents I don’t spell it out
it’s not required
only family knows it’s Louise
it’s my grandmother’s middle name

My last name starts with an M
none of them have a D in it though
my mothers first name starts with a D
and my younger sisters name starts with a D

Am I pregnant?

Something happened last week. I threw up in my mouth just before work. It was a few hours after I had a flat bread pizza. I asked my mother if the sauce was bad and she said it wasn’t, she made it from scratch. Guess my child doesn’t like it. If it is my child and not some alien baby.

The next day, at 6am I vomit my ice coffee on myself just before the gym. Some say maybe I had a bad one or the creamer wasn’t any good. I’ve had my share of shitty ones and none of them would make this happen to me. It should be noted, I didn’t/don’t feel sick; it’s something that strikes me. Yesterday I stopped what I was doing at work feeling like I was going to vomit on the floor and lower back pain. I took my 15 minute break and sat in the break room. The feeling went away. I told my sister and she said “prego”. She asked me what I ate and I said crackers and Mountain Dew. My child doesn’t like it either? I shouldn’t be drinking it anyway.

I don’t think I’m pregnant. Though it’s possible. We’ve gotten less responsible and use a “natural” approach to sex. I won’t lie about it nor discuss what I mean by that. In other words, if it happens; it happens. We will deal with it then and it won’t be the worlds business what we decide to do.