in the middle
of the night
he dreams of a girl
he can never have
she is married to
he tries but can’t
find the words
he can’t say it
to her face
he might explode
unaware she likes
I drove by his house today, in the first time I can’t tell you how long. He had a garbage bin in the middle of the road. I thought about running it over but then if something happened, I would have to talk to him. I haven’t talked, seen, nor heard from him in years; for years. I haven’t fully told anyone what happened between us because that’d make me look like a number of things I wasn’t. I’d rather have them think the relationship ended when I was some drunk airhead in my early twenties. I blabbed about Kesha, turned over to look at him and spilled his beer. He broke up with me the next day because I didn’t clean it up.
I never told anyone about the times we hooked up after. At that point I was living on my own and in college and things went south in my relationship. I met him one day when I was walking to the lake — he was driving in his border patrol car to it because that’s his fucking job. He was surprised and asked to see me later. Of course I did. How could I not? I had a lot of fun with this man before our true colors came out. We went out drinking, bonfires, kayaking, motorcycle rides, shooting guns, etc. And so we hung out in his new hot tub, naked; and went upstairs to have sex. It was passionate but not passionate enough to convince me he was the one. It reminded me of that night in December, I slept with him and told him I loved someone else and felt guilty after. Yet, I still did it a couple more times until he put the idea in my head we were nothing but fuck buddies. That’s not what I wanted nor intended but I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. The last time we spoke was text, he probably said something cocky and I went off on a tangent. We both walked away…
(Yeah, I ran into one too many exs one way or another today.)
He looks at me
like I haven’t
seen you in forever
you look good
I want to bang you
you want to bang me?
I just keep walking
why don’t you want me?
is it because I blocked and unblocked you?
you were cheating on me
you thought I was doing something
is it because I sucked in bed?
you liked it
Yeah, I wanted you
but it never would have gotten anywhere
I didn’t love you like I loved him
You could have
Some things aren’t meant to be
I know but why do I still want you?
tell me, do you still want me too?
Sexually, we’ve always had a strong attraction
but I cannot
it’s playing with fire
I never met someone as big as a douchebag as you. You live in a yellow cardboard box shaped house in the middle of nowhere. You go to the bar alone or with co-workers to join the rest of the townies in your area. When we first met you lied about your age. I thought you were four years older than me but you were actually eight. I figured that out when I saw your drivers license on your dresser. You said you lied your age when you were younger to get land and other benefits. You got older and lied so you can get dates with younger women because you had no intention to settle down. Of course, you lied and say you did. You broke up with me a couple of times because you wanted a ‘housewife’ and it wasn’t me. The entire time you were fucking other people and on other dating websites. You used that as excuse to go about your business. I returned the favor and joined other websites. I downgraded you as a fuck buddy as well. I found someone else and forgot about you. Or so, I thought. I miss the fun we had together, no one else was a big douchebag as you. You broke up with me the last time because I spilled your beer and didn’t clean it up. If you’re in the area and happen to see me walking on the street, don’t pull over and ask me what’s up or if I want to see you later like you have once. I mean, I said I loved someone else. Why would it be any different?
I used to send
nude pictures to a boy
in high school
who lived in another country
he never shared them
because he ‘loved me’ though
we only met once
they said I was beautiful and rejected me
I sent the same ones
to a popular nude model agency
they wanted me to masturbate live
on camera and my nickname was
I did nothing but zoom the camera in my face
I sent nude photos
to a fling or ex that left or cheated on me
one ex saved them all and took photos
and videos of me in bed
without my knowledge or consent
his friends or random people on the internet
could have seen it
but I don’t care
they don’t know if it’s me
they don’t know the story
I sent nude photos
to my boyfriend
he did nothing
but keep it to himself
I have too many issues and I can’t commit my life away to someone.
No one was asking you too. You’re at the point you settle down.
Like what? Get married and have kids?
Yes. Isn’t that what you want?
No. The idea of marriage and kids repulse me.
Why? Love is a beautiful thing.
It’s disgusting, confusing, and scary.
It can create wonderful things.
So can Mother Nature.
You love him?
Yes but I can’t commit to him.
You can if you want too, you choose not too.
It’s not that simple. You need to be physically, emotionally, and mentally in place for that to happen. I lack the assets, am bored and indifferent, and know that’s because I am who I am and can’t change.
You could if you wanted too.
No. I don’t think you understand. You don’t know me, he doesn’t know me. When I get bored and feel nothing, I tend to wander off. When I wander off I explore and find something I like. I take it, know the consequences of it and don’t care — life is too short. I would hate to miss out on something because one douchebag held me back from living my life.
What if you loved the douchebag and he did it for your own good?
He doesn’t have the capacity to think about what’s good for me, only what’s good for him. I have the capacity but don’t use it on him.
You’re intentionally bad?
I just know what I want, want what I want, and don’t care.
Are you a cheat?
Once a cheat, always a cheat. Be my friend by all means, nothing more. We can hookup but we can’t date. It doesn’t matter how good you are in bed, how hot you are, what you do, if you’re funny, etc. It matters how fast you run.
When did this start?
A few Decembers ago, I “travelled” to a cardboard box shaped house I have known.
You loved him?
No, we had a lot of fun though. He cheated on me. I found him on numerous dating websites.
About girls who are Type passive or hard to get.
#1 She makes in fun of you.
If not in front of you, behind your back to people she knows. They know you speak funny and should consider taking more showers.
Why? She’s a bitch but she still has some brain, morals, and standards. She can’t say, “I want to sleep with you.” That’d be wrong on many levels (but mocking you and/or being two faced isn’t?)
#2 She looks at you.
You’re thinking, so people look at people or she caught me looking at her which is possible. If you’re feeling there is an attraction between you, there most likely is.
#3 How she is around you.
Sometimes she seems shy, other times not so. Sometimes she speaks without thinking. She knows what she says doesn’t really matter.
I don’t know why you contact someone to tell you what you already know… Oh, because you think I’m psychic.
Lady: Does he still think of me?
Me: How long were you together?
Lady: We weren’t together, we only texted.
Me: Yes he still thinks of you.
Lady: How does he think of me, does he miss me?
Me: He thinks of you as an option.
Lady: Like he is using me or sex?
Lady: Do you see him coming back?
Me: Yes but you don’t need that. You need someone that will see you.
Lady: He doesn’t want to see me? Why?
Me: It’s not that he doesn’t, it’s that he hasn’t. He has something going on he’s not telling you about.
Lady: Was I right to leave him?