Missed connection

I never met someone as big as a douchebag as you. You live in a yellow cardboard box shaped house in the middle of nowhere. You go to the bar alone or with co-workers to join the rest of the townies in your area. When we first met you lied about your age. I thought you were four years older than me but you were actually eight. I figured that out when I saw your drivers license on your dresser. You said you lied your age when you were younger to get land and other benefits. You got older and lied so you can get dates with younger women because you had no intention to settle down. Of course, you lied and say you did. You broke up with me a couple of times because you wanted a ‘housewife’ and it wasn’t me. The entire time you were fucking other people and on other dating websites. You used that as excuse to go about your business. I returned the favor and joined other websites. I downgraded you as a fuck buddy as well. I found someone else and forgot about you. Or so, I thought. I miss the fun we had together, no one else was a big douchebag as you. You broke up with me the last time because I spilled your beer and didn’t clean it up. If you’re in the area and happen to see me walking on the street, don’t pull over and ask me what’s up or if I want to see you later like you have once. I mean, I said I loved someone else. Why would it be any different?

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12 Deeds of Xmas

  1. Almost arrested for underage drinking in a club in Texas.
  2. Danced with 14 men in one night, some old enough to be my father.
  3. Went to a Christmas formal, got drunk, and had sex with a guy I met once and took me out on my 21st birthday.
  4. Got drunk off jello shots and madeout with a stranger at party when I was ‘in a relationship.’
  5. Plotted revenge on a cheating ex by joining a dating website and actually finding someone on there.
  6. Hooked up with my ex around his birthday while I was technically single but still in a relationship with my boyfriend.
  7. Got drunk and knocked over shelves in a video store.
  8. Talked to a monkey statue and took a picture of the plant on the toilet behind me in a public restroom.
  9. Blew off a guy I had a threesome with.
  10. Lead some jackass on for no reason.
  11. Gave my number to a bunch of strangers.
  12. Hooked up with someone the day after our relationship was ‘over’ but it wasn’t.

Honest Facebook profile

Does it exist? Maybe, maybe not. They only allow you to do so much. This is sort of a test for me to figure it out. I’ll try to fill it out to the best of my knowledge.

 

Intro
 

Describe who you are
(101 characters or less)

I’m a 9th house Scorpio with an Aquarius moon and rising in the 1st house. You’ll never get me.

 

Overview
 

Graduated
Studied Creative Writing at State University of New York at * in 2015.
Past: Humanities concentration: Liberal Arts and Humanities at * Community College in 2013.
* High school in 2008.

 
Kicked out of/resigned out of
Liberal Arts at * Community College in 2010.
Social Science concentration: Liberal Arts and Humanities at * Community College in 2009.
Psychology concentration: Liberal Arts at * Community College in 2009.

 

Current city
___ (Why?)

Hometown
___ (Too ashamed of the town to mention it.)

Birthday
November, 7 1989

 

Contact and Basic info
 

Basic information
Interested In: Women and Men (But no one really…)
Languages: English, know some French and Russian.
Religious views: New Age
Political party: Whatever
Description: I’m registered as a “Green” member but somedays I’m more Independent. I was previously declared “Independent”.

 

Family and Relationships

Relationship
In a relationship but it’s hidden and says I’m single? Don’t ask me why, it’s his fault for being an asshole and not accepting my relationship request.

 

Family members
You want me to list all my family members on Facebook? WHY? So you can stalk them, judge me, or judge them? I’m good. (Potentially single now for real, think I just dumped him?)

 

 

P.S. Now you figured out why I don’t say anything on Facebook anymore.

My laziness

Hungry, wants dinner and doesn’t feel like cooking
Doesn’t cook dinner, settles on a bagel and small bag of plain chips.

 

Thirsty, doesn’t want to go to the kitchen to get something
Takes a cup to the bathroom and fills it with water. (It’s a good thing it’s not city, you’d have to walk a few extra feet to get filtered.)

 

Spends time making ice coffee for tomorrow
Won’t spend time to make food or get a drink out of the kitchen.

 

Takes two baths to lay in the tub
Gets out of the tub to lay in bed.

 

Doesn’t want to brush hair
Puts it in a bun because nobody will notice it.

 

In the event you must leave the cave
Put on sunglasses instead of makeup.

 

Sees a text message and doesn’t respond
Says I was busy, asleep, or didn’t get it

New names for myself

Bobbie
I like naming my male characters Bobbie but usually with a Y. It’d really throw people off when they figure out I have a vagina but there’s girls with the name too!

 

Daisy
I like daisies. I was going to name my future golden retriever Daisy but it fits me as well.

 

George Bennett
I’m my musician/teacher great grandfather reincarnated as a woman.

 

Lillie Summer
Okay, that’s not new. It was my nude model name.

 

Summer
My favorite season.

 

Tuesday
My father wanted to name me after the day I was born.

 

November
Lets name me after the month I was as well.

 

Autumn
I was born in autumn.

 

Alexandria
My mother originally want to name me.

 

Alex
It sounds better.

Whatever

They say

Slow down
and tell an actual story
stop running your mouth
there’s not enough details
and you’re too weird or vague
nobody can relate

 

They say

You eat too much
you don’t eat enough
why can’t you be more ___
what is wrong with you
why don’t you care
why don’t you post anything on Facebook

 
 
Whatever

Weirder survey

Have you ever danced with a girl?
Yes, in college.

 

How often?
A couple hundred times.
 

Why?
There were no guys in my classes or in the club I was in.

 

Did you enjoy it?
Most of the time it was awkward as fuck.

 

When was the last time you danced with a guy?
When I was 20 and at a club in Texas, I felt his small dick touch my ass.

 

Did you have sex with him?
Hell no.

 

Do you miss him?
No? I hardly remember his name. I think it’s Hunter?

 
Do you miss me?
Who are you?

First time

It was beautiful, we were in love.
I didn’t really like him and he didn’t really like me.

 

It hurt so bad, I cried and bled.
There was no pain, tears, or blood.

 

I liked it.
It was the first bad sex I had in my life, he was also a virgin.

 

I was seventeen and he was twenty-one.
I was twenty and he was twenty-two.

 

We broke up right after.
We broke up two weeks later because we got into a fight.

 

I saw him again.
Nope, never. He lived five hours away…

 

I regret losing it to someone I did not love.
If I loved him and we broke up, it’d take me a while to get over it. That did nothing but live out my curiosity and give me experience for someone better in the future.

How to be a blogger

Create a WordPress account.

Wait, WHY the fuck are you on here if you don’t have an account in the first place?

 

Customize your website.

Make a squirrel or rainbow your background, who cares.

 

Create a post.

Make a poem or paragraph about how you hate/love your partner, life, job, family, friends, celebrities, society, the world, or getting drunk on the weekends. Include photos or videos by choice…

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frabz-In-order-for-me-to-be-jealous-of-you-id-have-to-want-something-y-b5d7c9

 

Let’s pretend this is Facebook

Status update:

-If he can’t make plans, why do you waste your time? He’s just using you. You could do so much better.
-Be with someone that’s worth then a minute of your time.
-I ran a mile in 6 minutes.
-They call me, “Monster.”
-Don’t call me Taylor Swift, I DISLIKE her. I rather have you call me Kesha, I LOVE her. We probably have more in common too.
-Don’t call me “babe” I’m not your fucking girlfriend. You’re some creep that magically got my number. We never met.
-Ya’ll are dumb and a waste of my time.
-I don’t want to see your fucking selfie.

Pictures of selfies:

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