Old flame

“Kiss me,” he said.
I did and felt nothing.
It was like kissing a statue.
It’d be better if it was a statue.
The statue wouldn’t chase me forever.

He took my clothes off.
I did it without feeling a thing.
I thought ‘what the hell am I doing?’
I stopped in the middle of it.
I said I was burning though I wasn’t.
He believed me.

He asked me, “Would you have married me if I asked you too?”
I said, “Probably not. I don’t think I was ready for marriage.”
I made an excuse to leave and left.

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She said

nothing
kissed him
let him kiss
her neck

She screamed
in her head,
“I can’t do this”
didn’t tell him
to stop

She thought
this is wrong
but it feels right
I can’t let him
get close
all this time
I’ve been pushing
him away
I need to build
the wall back up
I can’t hurt anyone
or let them destroy me

She held him close
one last time
kissed him
and walked away

The contract

You are free to do what you please if you abide by these rules:

 

1. Give me money I don’t really need to pay off a loan.

2. Only talk to me during specific times, I can’t be bothered by your nonsense unless it involves money.

3. No talking or looking at the opposite sex unless it involves work.

4. The opposite sex can’t talk or look at you because I will kick his ass.

5. If you cheat on me, I’ll either end it or get even.

6. You have to pay attention to me when I want it or I’ll get mad.

7. Don’t bother me with what goes on in your life.

8. Don’t talk about emotions.

9. Follow these rules or I’ll threaten divorce.

10. If you want a divorce, find a place to live and I’ll send the papers.

Boy

has seizures
in the middle
of the night
he dreams of a girl
he can never have
she is married to
another man
he tries but can’t
find the words
besides
‘you’re pretty’
he can’t say it
to her face
he might explode
and die
unaware she likes
him too

Girl

is with someone
old enough
to be her father
he cheats
lies
has no money
does
sells drugs
and uses her
credit cards
she drove
across the city
with his drugs
in her trunk
got arrested
said to me

“Don’t tell anyone”
it’s public
everyone knows

She lets him
move in with her
complains everyday
about him

I say
“I don’t like him”
she becomes
a defensive and silent
child
she denies she is
she is sleeping
with someone
twice her age

I think
at last they aren’t
in my presence

Stranger

I don’t know
who he is
he follows
stares at me
alone or
with his girlfriend
sitting next to him
we haven’t
exchanged
a single word

People notice
but they don’t say
a single word
it’s ‘not a crime’
and doesn’t matter
he’s presence affects
my mental health

I’ve had a man
with the same
blonde hair
blue eyes
follow me
for years
he left me
traumatized
after he
sexually abused me
threatened to kill me

He was someone I knew
personally
not a stranger
like this man is

I am forced to be silent
about this issue
among other things

To be continued

She returns

I remember her
her green eyes
her blonde hair
her lips on my lips
her body on mine
the golden bikini
she wore the first time
I saw her dance

I watched her
year after year
closer than
he ever did
every time they fought
she came to me
I told her nothing
of myself
but listened to her
I showed her a knife
and said I’d kill her
if she leaves me for him
she did anyway

I messaged her
year after year
waiting for a response
from her
it never came
until one day she said
“I’m married” to him

I hoped she said
“I’m getting a divorce,
you were right he’s not the one
you were some much better in bed”
she said nothing about us

He returns

He asks me
what do you drive
what do you do
where do you live
when am I going to see you?
I don’t respond
he tells me nothing about him
all I have is images
of fifty shades of gray
in my head
I thought if I wanted that
I would have chose him
but I didn’t

The tree

It’s not fall but the leaves are falling
off the tree in the middle of the field
it’s sunny but cold
it’s the end of June
I’m here
she’s not
she’s looking down upon me
asking me why I never listened
and if I gave up on my promise
I can’t answer her
her spirit is free
I lost mine to the devil