let him kiss
in her head,
“I can’t do this”
didn’t tell him
this is wrong
but it feels right
I can’t let him
all this time
I’ve been pushing
I need to build
the wall back up
I can’t hurt anyone
or let them destroy me
She held him close
one last time
and walked away
I drove by his house today, in the first time I can’t tell you how long. He had a garbage bin in the middle of the road. I thought about running it over but then if something happened, I would have to talk to him. I haven’t talked, seen, nor heard from him in years; for years. I haven’t fully told anyone what happened between us because that’d make me look like a number of things I wasn’t. I’d rather have them think the relationship ended when I was some drunk airhead in my early twenties. I blabbed about Kesha, turned over to look at him and spilled his beer. He broke up with me the next day because I didn’t clean it up.
I never told anyone about the times we hooked up after. At that point I was living on my own and in college and things went south in my relationship. I met him one day when I was walking to the lake — he was driving in his border patrol car to it because that’s his fucking job. He was surprised and asked to see me later. Of course I did. How could I not? I had a lot of fun with this man before our true colors came out. We went out drinking, bonfires, kayaking, motorcycle rides, shooting guns, etc. And so we hung out in his new hot tub, naked; and went upstairs to have sex. It was passionate but not passionate enough to convince me he was the one. It reminded me of that night in December, I slept with him and told him I loved someone else and felt guilty after. Yet, I still did it a couple more times until he put the idea in my head we were nothing but fuck buddies. That’s not what I wanted nor intended but I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. The last time we spoke was text, he probably said something cocky and I went off on a tangent. We both walked away…
(Yeah, I ran into one too many exs one way or another today.)
He looks at me
like I haven’t
seen you in forever
you look good
I want to bang you
you want to bang me?
I just keep walking
why don’t you want me?
is it because I blocked and unblocked you?
you were cheating on me
you thought I was doing something
is it because I sucked in bed?
you liked it
Yeah, I wanted you
but it never would have gotten anywhere
I didn’t love you like I loved him
You could have
Some things aren’t meant to be
I know but why do I still want you?
tell me, do you still want me too?
Sexually, we’ve always had a strong attraction
but I cannot
it’s playing with fire
What form of birth control are you using?
You don’t use condoms, the pill, or patch?
You got a girlfriend, boyfriend?
No girlfriend, boyfriend.
You never know these days.
You wonder why the hell the doctor assumed you were gay because you denied birth control. I mean, maybe you don’t have sex, physically can’t get pregnant, or prefer the withdrawal method? Whatever. It wouldn’t be the doctor’s business either way. You didn’t go to the doctors to discuss/get on birth control. But because it was a checkup and you’re a woman, you get asked about it. If you were a man, you wouldn’t.
I used to send
nude pictures to a boy
in high school
who lived in another country
he never shared them
because he ‘loved me’ though
we only met once
they said I was beautiful and rejected me
I sent the same ones
to a popular nude model agency
they wanted me to masturbate live
on camera and my nickname was
I did nothing but zoom the camera in my face
I sent nude photos
to a fling or ex that left or cheated on me
one ex saved them all and took photos
and videos of me in bed
without my knowledge or consent
his friends or random people on the internet
could have seen it
but I don’t care
they don’t know if it’s me
they don’t know the story
I sent nude photos
to my boyfriend
he did nothing
but keep it to himself
Something happened last week. I threw up in my mouth just before work. It was a few hours after I had a flat bread pizza. I asked my mother if the sauce was bad and she said it wasn’t, she made it from scratch. Guess my child doesn’t like it. If it is my child and not some alien baby.
The next day, at 6am I vomit my ice coffee on myself just before the gym. Some say maybe I had a bad one or the creamer wasn’t any good. I’ve had my share of shitty ones and none of them would make this happen to me. It should be noted, I didn’t/don’t feel sick; it’s something that strikes me. Yesterday I stopped what I was doing at work feeling like I was going to vomit on the floor and lower back pain. I took my 15 minute break and sat in the break room. The feeling went away. I told my sister and she said “prego”. She asked me what I ate and I said crackers and Mountain Dew. My child doesn’t like it either? I shouldn’t be drinking it anyway.
I don’t think I’m pregnant. Though it’s possible. We’ve gotten less responsible and use a “natural” approach to sex. I won’t lie about it nor discuss what I mean by that. In other words, if it happens; it happens. We will deal with it then and it won’t be the worlds business what we decide to do.
I got really drunk last night
I texted him up and said I wanted to fuck
he came over at 12am
we had sex in the back of his car
he didn’t wear a condom
so I’m pretty sure I’m going to have his baby
I know when I tell him I’m pregnant he’ll want to marry me
I agreed to having threesomes whenever he wanted
we’re having one next week
if you’d like to join us, use the contact form on my website
Have you ever danced with a girl?
Yes, in college.
A couple hundred times.
There were no guys in my classes or in the club I was in.
Did you enjoy it?
Most of the time it was awkward as fuck.
When was the last time you danced with a guy?
When I was 20 and at a club in Texas, I felt his small dick touch my ass.
Did you have sex with him?
Do you miss him?
No? I hardly remember his name. I think it’s Hunter?
Do you miss me?
Who are you?
It was beautiful, we were in love.
I didn’t really like him and he didn’t really like me.
It hurt so bad, I cried and bled.
There was no pain, tears, or blood.
I liked it.
It was the first bad sex I had in my life, he was also a virgin.
I was seventeen and he was twenty-one.
I was twenty and he was twenty-two.
We broke up right after.
We broke up two weeks later because we got into a fight.
I saw him again.
Nope, never. He lived five hours away…
I regret losing it to someone I did not love.
If I loved him and we broke up, it’d take me a while to get over it. That did nothing but live out my curiosity and give me experience for someone better in the future.
“Hey, want to have a threesome?”
No, but is your friend single?
“We should hookup sometime.”
Maybe if we were at a bar but we are not…
“Do you spit or swallow?”
“Are you a Lesbian? If you are, can I watch?”
Are you gay? If you are, can I watch? Just kidding. Why on Earth would I want to watch anyone have sex.
“Send me nude pics.”
Of what? I can send you pictures of a dog, cat, cow, or chicken. They’re naked…
“I want you, do you want me? I’m way better for you.”