The tree

It’s not fall but the leaves are falling
off the tree in the middle of the field
it’s sunny but cold
it’s the end of June
I’m here
she’s not
she’s looking down upon me
asking me why I never listened
and if I gave up on my promise
I can’t answer her
her spirit is free
I lost mine to the devil

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Completing drafts

I don’t
give a fuck

 

If I write a poem for my boyfriend
it’d be a simple “I love you” note
on a plate of brownies
’cause I know my man
he don’t want no poem
and won’t read it

 

Why my writing
sucks?
I spit it out

 

The love of my life
is Starbucks
coffee frappuccino
with coconut milk

 

Drive by agent
drives by my house
to see if I’m there
passes by me
on my way to town
makes it look like
he’s doing his job
not stalking me
but he is
he wouldn’t say a word
to me, hasn’t in years
he watches and follows me
when I drive

 

What I learned from 90s shows
It’s okay to kiss other people if you’re in a relationship, you’re going to marry your boyfriend/girlfriend anyway. -Boy meets world. Television sucks, it gives you dreams and situations that will never happen.

 

Signs your girlfriend hates you
she ignores you
your nickname is asshole, douchebag, jackass, moron, dumbass, etc
she texts other guys
she is sleeping with other guys or thinking about it
you get pity and drunk sex
she’s bored

Smalle is back

He looks at me
like I haven’t
seen you in forever
you look good
I want to bang you
you want to bang me?

I just keep walking
why don’t you want me?
is it because I blocked and unblocked you?
you were cheating on me
you thought I was doing something
is it because I sucked in bed?
you liked it

Yeah, I wanted you
but it never would have gotten anywhere
I didn’t love you like I loved him

You could have

Some things aren’t meant to be
I know but why do I still want you?
tell me, do you still want me too?

Sexually, we’ve always had a strong attraction
but I cannot
why not?
it’s playing with fire

My dear

You’re funny
you’re cute
you’ve a job
that’s cool

I can’t be with you
I’m older and more arrogant
than you

I don’t know how much experience
you have but I think I have more
I have a list of things I’ve done
and know what I’m capable of

I will use you like I’ve used the rest
keep you as an option in case
it doesn’t work with someone else
hook up with you once or a couple of times
kick you to the curb and get back with someone else

Nothing you say or do will
change me
break me
convince me
phase me

I don’t care about you
I don’t even care about myself
there’s only a few people I care about enough
to make some sort of an effort not to resort back to old self
some old teachers remind me
I’m only human

Why I’m letting this expire

It’s time to move on.
I don’t see the point in writing randomly like I have been. Besides a small audience and some likes, I don’t gain that much of it. None of you know who I am (though you’ve read about it), I get zero profit for it and little recognition. I went in knowing all this and not expecting anything in return. Now I have to think more about how I manage my free time, spend my money, and what other goals I have in life that don’t involve survival or money. I would like to sell some of my work and write the novel I told my mother I was going to write when she was nearly dying of cancer last year (she’s no longer in remission so it’s possible the nightmare will start over). It forces me to think about everything in my life. I go on the defense and survival mode (if you don’t know what that means don’t read this nor talk to me — I think you’re an idiot and don’t care if you think I’m a bitch).

 

What will become of this?

I could pay for it to be renewed but I’m not going too. I could give it a new name but I don’t want too. I could create a new one with a specific/tighter focus but I don’t have the time for it. This is not a good time for me to manage a website. Anything you would get from me in writing would be more nonsense or things you don’t follow or relate too.

 

I’m sorry but not so sorry that this isn’t a funny or positive post. The truth is, I’m just done. It’s nothing you or anyone did. I can’t stay with this website or blog forever. I’ve outgrown it. Thank you all for watching the madness.

 

Note: The first category on this website was called, “C’est la vie” 

We’re not the same

I’m blonde, she’s brunette
I’m tan, she’s white as a vampire
I like to go outside, she does not
I have green eyes, she has brown eyes
I’m 5’4, she’s 5’3
I’m 26, she’s 22
I’m a Scorpio, she’s a Pisces
I have tattoos, she does not

We have the same mother and father
I was older when they separated
We have the same job
and we’re from the same town
We have our nose pierced
mine is on the left
hers is on the right
I have a star shaped stud in
she took her circle stud out

I have a Bachelors degree in Creative Writing
she doesn’t plan to get a Bachelors in anything
We have Associate degrees
It took me longer to get it and I’ve gone to a different school
My AA was concentrated in Humanities
hers was concentrated in Social Science
I finished my entire AA online and got on Deans list numerous times
she did not

She had the same boyfriend since high school
I did not
I didn’t really have a boyfriend in high school
or friends for that matter

I’ve been with more people and had a far more questionable
love life
she’s been stable and committed in her relationship
they just got a house together

I’ve travelled to more places than she has
she choose not too
I’ve had more drunk experiences
she hasn’t really drank that much
I don’t drink much anymore
she still doesn’t either

She is vegan
I am not
I don’t most meat, however;
because I do not and have not really ever liked it

I am spiritual
I believe in Astrology, Paranormal, and Past lives
she does not
she has less faith
and interest in those things

I like History, especially Ancient and Philosophy
she doesn’t
I couldn’t tell you what she likes
the last thing I remembered is her making videos
with anime characters on Sony Vegas
or knitting something with my mother

I couldn’t tell you what songs she likes
all I know it is nothing I really listen too
and she most likely thinks and feels the same thing
about me

I joke about everything
she tends to be more serious
she doesn’t appreciate my jokes
and I continue to make them anyway
she is my sister and should understand
more so than the people who think
we are the same

Really going on

The truth is, I can’t tell you.
I don’t like what I do.
I’m not happy with what I do.
If anything I’m disgusted with what I do.
All it is a paycheck to me.
I know I can’t make plans or have a future without it.
I ask myself if it’s worth it and I don’t know why, it’s not.
I was happier when I was broke, having very little to get by.
I had less stress and conflict in my life.
I could actually see my boyfriend, eat, and sleep like a normal person.
I get a few hours now.
In the morning, I don’t induce vomiting yet still throw up my coffee.
I don’t think it’s the coffee.
I know nothing I do is worth it yet I do it anyway.
It’s no longer clear to me what or who I am fighting for.
Besides to get the hell away from this place.
 

Sure

Sure,
I love you
I’ve said it many times
I was there when you needed me
though sometimes you pushed me away
I didn’t try to change you
though sometimes I felt you wanted me to change

Sure,
I haven’t seen this is my life
you in pain and crying in a hospital bed but
I’ve seen and knew worse things in my life
that had nothing to do with you

Sure,
I won’t talk about these things
and you probably know what I’m talking about anyway
and you’re like, well you’ve said and did worse things
to me too
but none of this is your fault

Sure,
It isn’t but I’ve seen symbols around me
I knew something was going to happen
but I didn’t know what
for someone that has all the answers and knows my stuff
I know nothing at all

Sure,
I had flashbacks of some events
and bad days
of the nightmare that moment
and again, I questioned everything
feeling like none of this is enough
or even right for me

Sure,
I could run or rash out like I normally do
because of these thoughts and feelings
but what good would that do
I know there’s other people out there
and I know there’s a lot of opportunities
I don’t have here
nor change because I stayed here with you

Sure,
I could change that and I probably should
I can’t see where this is headed
and if anywhere, I don’t know if I want to be
the mother or if I’m even ready for it
all my life I wanted nothing but to be free
from this world
how can I do that if I tie myself to someone?
what would be the point?
so you can leave like my father?
or I get some non-genetic cancer like my mother?
and for what?
to continue this viscous cycle that never ends

Sure,
It could end
but I prefer not to be blind sided

Moon in Aquarius

I’m not like the Sun in Aquarius.
I’m not as ‘popular’ as they are.
No point in my life did I suffer from, “I’m cool” syndrome.
Growing up, people made sure I knew how lame I was.

 

I don’t think I’m special, I know I am special.
I don’t go around with an attitude or ego like I am.
I know there are people out there who are smarter, richer, happier, etc, than me.
I am special because I’m not afraid to be me.
There are many people that are afraid to be themselves or care too much what people think.
I don’t care what people think of me.
Their opinions do nothing for me one way or another.

 

I’m different, it’s hard to find someone like me.
I connect with everyone person I meet on some level.
I don’t judge anyone as I know what it is like to be judged.
My DNA is mixed.
I’m an old spirit that feels like a young spirit.
I’ve had numerous past lives.
I have a sense of humor.
I’m a humanitarian and creator.
I have a strong understanding of human nature.
I know a lot about many things.
I don’t act like a know it all because I’m not.
I’m here like everyone else, to work on my problems and learn things that will help me in my next life.

 

I don’t think I’m God.
I don’t think I have magical abilities, though I do.
I have the ability to see the future, sense energy, and see spirits.
I try to find a logical explanation for these things among other things that goes on in my life.

 

Intimate relationships don’t come easy to me.
I’m emotionally independent, and don’t need a man or woman in my life to be happy.
I’m not one to write mushy letters or love notes, though I am writer.
I’m more likely to do something nice or make them something.
I can’t explain why I’m like that, I just am.
I’m only likely to communicate in words or writing what I think or feel, when the time is right.